turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
