someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
