dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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