I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
