I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
