So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
