She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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