you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize