end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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