My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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