If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He passed out mid-signature
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
