Just fell off a train. Bad.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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