High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize