You're so nebulous sometimes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm bleeding and have questions
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
