How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
