God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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