and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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