Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
