even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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