There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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