giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
