Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize