my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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