he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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