my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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