so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
