he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
