God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
