i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Randomize
