Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
