they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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