so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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