i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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