so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize