Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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