i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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