just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
