Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize