I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
