I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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