Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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