It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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