I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
