I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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