my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize