so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
