instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
