my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
