i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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