tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
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