The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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