After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
