I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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