ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
