Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
