You really coming over, don't trick.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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