You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize