I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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