I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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