dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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