i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
