i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
