i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
