I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize