so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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