Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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