smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
