the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
