She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
