Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
