I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
