Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My vagina is officially offended.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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