drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize