The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
