I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize