my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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