You can't special order awesome
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
